I received my new MacBook, and I really love it compared to my last PC. Specifically using OS X as opposed to Windows. But on the more fun side, I was playing with iMovie last night.
I made this video because it is something that is meaningful to me. It may be lost on some of you... so I'll explain it. The song is by the Foo Fighters, entitled "My Hero." This song makes me think of the movie "The Passion of the Christ" because of the lyrics in the chorus. I'm aware that this song isn't actually about Jesus... but the chorus states:
"There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. There goes my hero. He's ordinary."
This makes me think of The Passion because never before and never again will God ever seem so "ordinary" and yet, it was during this time that he was doing his most extraordinary work.
I know some people don't like The Passion, but it helps me know that there is no pain I will ever face that God Himself can't identify with from personal experience. And yet, He overcame. He conquered. I'll be vindicated. He doesn't seem so ordinary anymore.
Anyway... here's my amateur little video I made. If nothing else, it is the first time I've ever used technology as a pure act of worship. I hope it can be as meaningful to you as it was to me.
I thought I'd let those of you who might not yet know... the divorce is final now. It was pretty anti-climactic though. The judge sat there and asked questions about paperwork and whether our names were spelled correctly... then we were divorced. All that emotional hell for all those months leading up to a glorified spell-checker.
I felt some disappointment - a bit of relief that it was finally finished and I could move on. Perhaps a little surreal... but mostly, I felt the same after as I did before. I can't say that I was overly impacted by the event. I haven't been married for quite some time now. This was just a legal motion.
I don't think it is fair that I have to carry the "divorced" title. I still have a very high view of marriage. It only takes one person who doesn't want to do it anymore... but most people will still judge me based on my new label. What can I say though? I'm much better off now than I was 8 months ago, and that won't change even if people that don't know me well choose to judge me.
I guess that's a trade I'm willing to make though. Actually be a better person rather than just have people think I am.
Anyway... I'm doing really well. Thanks for all your prayers.
The idea of being humble has always been an abstract concept to me. It isn't measurable, so it is hard to know if you're doing better or worse than a year ago. Unless of course your entire perception of the world changes. Humility is not nearly as abstract to me anymore.
Humility is often split into two categories. Being humble before God and being humble before other people. I think I have often believed that one can exist without the other. But humility is humility. It can't be divided. This is what I think humility is about:
Jesus talks about being poor in spirit. The poverty of the soul longs for God, knowing fully that nothing else can satisfy. The humble spirit understands its helplessness and seeks God with a tremendous amount of fervor. It isn't about getting longings met or feeling good. It is about seeking God because the humble spirit knows that He is its only hope (See Psalm 63 for an example of seeking God with this type of attitude).
This type of humility impacts interactions with other people. The humble spirit doesn't seek other people as a means for getting needs met. That isn't to say that people don't meet needs... but that it isn't the purpose of relationship. The humble spirit knows that only God can satisfy and therefore sees other people as intrinsically valuable rather than objects of self gratification.
This also impacts that nature of relationships with other people. The humble spirit doesn't act in self protection. The humble spirit willingly subjects itself to the perils of deep intimate transparent relationship. Despite the risk involved and the fear of being rejected, the humble spirit knows that God is unconditionally accepting. Regardless of past pain inflicted by rejection from other people, the humble spirit willingly engages in this type of risky relationship again and again. Relationship isn't about the avoidance of pain, but rather the willingness to experience pain for the betterment of others and for Christ's kingdom (Phil 1:21-24).
This is the type of humility I seek... for God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.
I went back through some of my old xanga posts and found a review I had written for the movie "Stranger Than Fiction" It was dated March 20th... just a few short weeks before my life began falling apart.
I've been lost in the thought of purpose. Life has purpose, and yes... death has purpose. Harold Crick had a purpose. He did not want to die. In fact, he was just beginning to enjoy life. But the concept of his life (rather his death) contributing to something bigger than himself was an idea he was willing to accept. He believed thet by dying, he was serving a purpose. It was certainly not his preference, but he accepted it. His death was a poetic masterpiece.
This begs the question "What purpose am I meant to serve?" I want to be the hero of a comedy. I want to live happily ever after, and be remembered for the great work I accomplished. But what if God has destined my life a tragedy? Can I accept it as His perfect will, submit to it, and know that even if I am forgotten, I have served a purpose greater than myself?
This is something that I've been wrestling with a lot. It was strange to feel like the Holy Spirit was using something to encourage me that I myself had written... 8 months ago.
On another note, God keeps giving me incredible passages to think over in my mind. I had purposed in my heart not to pray anything cliche... so I'd intentionally not prayed or said the words "God is good." Yesterday it came out of my mouth spontaneously when I was praying. I knew I really meant it. It was the first time I'd felt genuinely happy in a long time. He's just teaching me patience, and showing me what it means to seek Him instead of the gifts He gives.
Anyway... Here's the passage:
Lamentations 3:17-26
I am deprived of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. So I said, “My endurance has expired; I have lost all hope of deliverance from the Lord.” Remember my impoverished and homeless condition, which is a bitter poison. I continually think about this, and I am depressed. But this I call to mind; therefore I have hope: The Lord’s loyal kindness never ceases; his compassions never end. They are fresh every morning; your faithfulness is abundant! “My portion is the Lord,” I have said to myself, so I will put my hope in him. The Lord is good to those who trust in him, to the one who seeks him. It is good to wait patiently for deliverance from the Lord.
Thanksgiving was pretty good. It was good to get back to Ohio and see family again. But it was interesting to think about the things I am thankful for.
If I'm honest, I feel abandoned by God. Everything I've pleaded with Him about for the past 8 months... He's given me the opposite. And now that He's stripped me of everything that I thought I wanted, He still feels distant.
I noticed something about the passage where Jacob wrestled with God that I had never thought about before now. Toward the end of that infamous meeting with God where Jacob was given a permanent limp, the 'man' he was wrestling told him to let him go. Jacob's response? "No... not until you bless me!"
I wonder if that is what God is after. I wonder if God is playing hard to get, to see how much I really want him. If He's letting me feel his distance so I can know what it really means to be willing to abandon all else to seek Him alone. To say, "I'm not going to let go until you give me what I want." To be like David in the Psalms... demanding. I found this passage yesterday, and it was very encouraging to me:
Isaiah 30:18, 20-21 So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.
Keeping with the Thanksgiving theme... I feel like I've overeaten the adversity and suffering God is feeding me. And though He feels distant, He's promised that He's not. He says He is waiting for me to wait for Him... and He's leading me down this road. Soon enough I will hear His voice with my own ears.
The most concise way to put it... I'm very thankful for the things I'm not thankful for.
